motherhood and thinking

I have always relied on my thoughts to challenge me. That is, I normally go through my day asking questions of myself, of those around me, of life and of God that force me to think. And thinking has, in the past, functioned as a tool God uses in my life to help me grow.

But, something has changed in my ability to think "deep and meaningful thoughts" since I became a mother. I still do it (thinking, that is), but just not as well. So, how has motherhood affecting my thinking?

Well, I do think less. My 'output' of good ideas has diminished. I have plenty of things in my life that challenge my thinking... I am a full time seminary student, involved in a local church, lead a bible study, have an incredible mentor -- to name a few. And as important and formative as these things are for me... my mind and heart are also consumed with the moment-to-moment tasks of motherhood.

Nursing, changing diapers, building with blocks, playing chasing games, reading books about farm animals are what I do in my spare time. Conversation often centers around the consumption of "just one more bite", and the endless repition of phrases like "throw the ball", "all done", and "how old are you?" (which, by the way, Macy answers with one crooked index finger... so cute - and smart!). And even when I manage to think deep thoughts, they are inevitably interrupted by little arms that need hugging and little tears that need wiping.

Don't feel sorry for me though. Things are just the way I want them. First of all, the joy of listening to Macy squeal her head off as I chase her around the house makes it all worth it. Secondly, I trust that watching Macy blossom into the woman God has created her to be will make it worthwhile all over again.

But since this blog is about my ability to think, I have a little theory. I think that the energy I pour into mothering is like a long term investment in thinking.

Did you know that if you invest $2,000 a year into a retirement fund between the ages of 19 and 27 and then stop completely... you will have more money to retire with than if you start at age 27 investing $2,000 a year until you retire? It's just the way the math works - investing a little early is more profitable than investing a lot later down the road.

It's not a perfect analogy, but never-the-less, I think motherhood operates with similar math. I think that somewhere down the road (no idea how far) I will still be thinking. And these thoughts will still be tools God uses to challenge and change me. But what's more - I think that my long term investment will make me a richer thinker. And I think these thoughts that challenge me are thoughts that God may want me to challenge others with as well.

I hope that I will have greater compassion, be more well-rounded, wiser, more knowledgable, and a better human being for having mothered. So maybe I think less (or think less productively) right now. I still think that motherhood is a tool God is using in my life to transform me into a person with more depth so that I can be a more life-giving force in the future.